Please Note: this article speaks about trauma in a way that can be triggering. Should you feel apprehension with reading it, please listen to that voice and maybe bookmark this page for when you feel the apprehension melt away. Read it in bits. Reach out to me instead. I am here.
I have a history peppered with trauma, like most people do. Some of the trauma’s are significant and some are yet to be discovered as such. I also have a long and glorious history of being stuck behind them.
That’s a big statement, being stuck behind them, and it may need some time to stew with you.... I will be here when you come back.
And while I am sure I can go further back or around in a metaphysical way, I will keep it simple and say, that through the history of time, there has been trauma. In fact, I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t carry some trauma.
Trauma is in everything and everyone. It means that the real question is not “have you experienced trauma?” but more “how do you carry your trauma?”. How does your mind, body, and spirit wrap around your trauma? How does it show itself in your days and when it comes in like a Tsunami, how do you face it?
These are perhaps triggering conversations for you, and I would suggest that inside your reaction to this trigger we have found your answer. For example, when I would see someone sexually assaulted on television, I would feel my heart race, I would physically recoil a little and in more severe cases, I would get up to go do something else. Today, it’s a little different. I tend to close my eyes (my heart still races) and give gratitude for what my trauma has empowered in myself and also, I send a little love note to all of those who are still stuck behind it. I know by my reaction that it still has a hold on my heart, but I carry it quite differently.
But how? How can we work inside this turmoil when it just feels so impossibly scary? It seems so hard to even get my head around the idea of seeing it and not running. I think the key is not do this work in isolation. I have good people to help me, hold me and push me. I went to the edge of fear and sat the hell down. I sat my heart down just outside of it and examined it, got up, practiced small shifts, and then sat back down again. Rinse & Repeat.
I think back and hold all that this trauma has empowered, has kept me safe from, and has brought into my life. There are consequences of these trauma’s that I wouldn’t give up for everything in the world. Who I am because of these traumas, is responsible for my beautiful children, my amazing partner and yes, even my success in business.
On the flip side of that, who I was because of these trauma's also held me back. What walls have they built? What false beliefs am I carrying because of my unhealthy relationship with trauma.
How am I using trauma as an excuse not to grow?
Indeed so many excuses. My relationship with sex, commitment, partnering, and yes, motherhood. This beautiful cocktail of a life only exists because of the way I have carried trauma through all facets of my life. In the past, as an excuse and as of the past few years more as a catalyst, as a reason to dig deeper, to sink into passion and purpose.
This is difficult work to traverse for so many of us and it would be irresponsible of me to say that my method of work is good for everyone. Of course it’s not. My hope however, is that this reflection cultivates a desire to carry your harsh experiences differently and to seek out help to do so.